O ΦΑΡΣΕΡ Διήγημα του Παν, Γεωργόπουλου Πακιόλου(ΧΩΡΙΑΤΗ)

   Ο ΦΑΡΣΕΡ

 

Ζιζάνιο αισθητό ,από μικρό παιδί ο Νικολής. Σου φαίνεται  και ήτανε γεννημένος για φαρσέρ, μπουρλάντες» με τα όλα του.

Είχε ψήσει ,κυριολεκτικώς  ολόκληρο το χωριό  στις «γελασιές».

Μήπως δεν έστειλε τον κακομοίρη τον παπά  μια ώρα δρόμο Ιούλιο μήνα δήθεν ότι τον καλένουνε στο λείψανο ,που απέθανε ο τάδε μπακάλης από συγκοπή?

Και πελαγωμένος ο παπάς από τον ιδρώτα με τα ιερά στην μασχάλη ,πήγε και βρήκε το μπακάλη, να ζυγίζει πρέντζα.

Μήπως δεν έστειλε την ξορκίστρα του χωριού .να πάει να ξορκίσει του γιατρού τη ροσοπήλια?

Μήπως για πρώτη φορά  εκατέβασε τους χωριανούς στο δρόμο ,με τα

πιάτα στο χέρι  να πάρουνε «ψάρι»?

Και τι δεν είχε σκαρώσει του κόσμου αυτό το «τελώνιο»,ως που ήλθε  ο καιρός να πάει στρατιώτης.

Αλλά μήπως και κει ήτανε καλλίτερος?

Τη δεύτερη τρίτη μέρα , αφού εντύσανε τους νεοσύλλεκτους ,σηκώθηκε μια νύχτα  στο θάλαμο, που κοιμόταν όλοι  και τους άλλαξε ολονών τα άρβυλα

και στους μισούς άφησε διό παπούτσια δεξιά και στους άλλους μισούς ,από διό αριστερά.

Όταν η σάλπιγγα  μετά το εγερτήριο  είχε βαρέσει γενική συνάθροιση ,που να πάει κανείς ,που μέσα στο θάλαμο γινότουνε του κουτρούλη ο γάμος?

 

Ακουγόντουσαν φωνές ,βλαστήμιες ,κακό  και είχε περάσει το μεσημέρι  και ακόμα δεν είχαν καταφέρει να τα ταιριάσουν.

Το νόστιμο που και στον εαυτό του τα ίδια είχε κάνει ,για να μην τον καταλάβουν και βλαστήμαε τον πατέρα και τη μάνα του ,τον κερατά  που την έκανε.

Αλλά μερικοί που τον ήξεραν ,μυριστήκανε πως ήτανε δική του δουλειά

και ψι από δω ,ψι από κει ,πήγε στα αυτιά του λοχία.

Ο λοχίας θέλει να τον εκδικηθεί.

Ο Νικολής είχε κατορθώσει ,να μη του κόψουν τα μαλλιά όταν τον εντύσανε  και μαζί με τη σγουρομάνα του  είχε και μια δρεπανωτή  γομαρισμένη  καπέτα την οποία επιμελώς τακτοποιούσε κάθε πρωί  κάτω από το γείσο του πηλικίου του.

Μόλις τον βλέπει ο λοχίας του φωνάζει:

-Στρατιώτη: να κόψεις αμέσως τα μαλλιά σου.

-Θα τα κόψω κυρ λοχία,απαντά ο Νικολής.

Την επομένη εμφανίζεται  πάλι στο λόχο  με την καπέτα  στο μέτωπο.-

-Γιατί δεν έκοψες τα μαλλιά σου στρατιώτη? παρατήρησε με αυστηρότητα ο λοχίας.

-Δεν πρόφτασα κυρ λοχία, γιατί αδιαθέτησε ο κουρέας ,αλλά θα τα κόψω κυρ λοχία.

-Πρόσεξε ,πρόσθεσε ο λοχίας ,αύριο να μη σε δω εδώ πέρα

με μαλλιά και καπέτες ,γιατί θα σε κόψω μέσα.

-Θα σε αναφέρω απ ευθείας στο λοχαγό.

Και ο  Νικολής  επανέλαβε μια φορά ακόμη το στερεότυπο:

-Θα τα κόψω κυρ λοχία.

Την άλλη μέρα πράγματι πρωί-πρωί σηκώθηκε και πήγε πρώτος στον κουρέα και του λέει:

-Θα σε παρακαλέσω να μου κόψεις τα μαλλιά ,όσο μπορείς βαθιά ,με την πλέον ψιλή μηχανή που έχεις

-Αλλά να προσέξεις ,καθώς θα τα κόβεις σύριζα με τη μηχανή να τα βάνεις «πόστα- πόστα» απάνω σε μια εφημερίδα ,χωρίς να σκορπάνε

-Σε παρακαλώ ιδιαίτερη προσοχή να δώσεις στην καπέτα  μου να βγεί «μονοκόματη.»

 

Αφού  τον τακτοποίησε ο κουρέας και ήταν  καθ όλα έτοιμος ,πήγε ο Νικολής στον καθρέπτη και τοποθέτησε την καπέτα στο μέτωπό του, την οποία στερέωσε φορώντας το πηλίκιο.

Έπειτα με τη βοήθεια κάποιου συναδέλφου του ,πρόσθεσε  με επιτηδειότητα μερικά μαλλιά ,από την εφημερίδα ,στους κροτάφους του και γύρω στη βάση του πηλικίου ,ώστε να φαίνεται σαν να ήταν ακούρευτος  και αμέσως γραμμή για το λόχο.

Ο Λοχίας μόλις τον είδε εξ αποστάσεως με  την καπέτα μέχρι οφρύων έγινε έξω φρενών.

-Βρε συ.. Βλέπω  που μας πήρες και στο  «ψιλό» με τα μαλλιά σου και με την καπέτα σου.

-Στάσου κι εγώ θα σε διορθώσω

-Θα σε αναφέρω αμέσως.

-Μα ξέρετε κυρ λοχία  πως μου γίνατε  και φόρτωμα? απαντά με κάποια στωικότητα ο Νικολής.

-Δεν μπορώ να τα κόψω… περισσότερο…

 -Σουτ αυθάδη, επρόσθεσε ο λοχίας ..

-Σε διατάσσω να με ακολουθήσεις. Πάμε στο λοχαγό.

-Πάμε όπου θέλετε.

 

Το γραφείο του λοχαγού ήτανε εκεί πλησίον.

Προπορευόμενος ο λοχίας  μπήκε πρώτος  μέσα και άρχισε  εκείνο το φοβερό  κατηγορώ  εναντίον του Νικολή, για απείθια και αυθάδεια.

Ο δε Νικολής εν τω μεταξύ πριν νάμπει στο γραφείο ,με αστραπιαία ταχύτητα αφαίρεσε τα πρόσθετα μαλλιά  τινάχτηκε και μετά κατέβασε το πηλικιό του  ως κάτω με τα αυτιά.

Μπήκε μέσα και στάθηκε  πίσω από το λοχία ,ο οποίος τελείωνε το φιλιππικό του με τις φράσεις «..και αφού κύριε Λοχαγέ ,για τρίτη φορά

τον διατάσσω να κόψει τα μαλλιά του  και δεν συνεμορφώθη .ήλθε σήμερα με όλη  την αυθάδεια  να μου πει ,ότι του έγινα και φόρτωμα.

-Γιατί στρατιώτη δεν συνεμορφώθης προς την διαταγή του ανωτέρου σου? παρατήρησε ο Λοχαγός.

Τότε ο Νικολής προχώρησε διό βήματα ,αφαίρεσε το  μέχρι τη στιγμή εκείνη καταβροχθίζον την αποψιλωμένη του κεφαλή  πηλίκιο  και παίρνοντας ύφος Μπέναρ –Σω  απαντά:

-Κύριε Λοχαγέ ,ασφαλώς ο κύριος λοχίας  πάσχει από παραισθήσεις.

Από την πρώτη στιγμή εγώ συμμορφώθηκα με τη διαταγή του.

-Βλέπετε αν τα μαλλιά μου επιδέχονται περισσότερο κόψιμο…?

-Αλλά ο κύριος λοχίας όλο με μαλλιά με βλέπει.. -και αυτή τη στιγμή ακόμη σας λέει , πως έχω τα μαλλιά έως τα μάτια μου.

Ο λοχίας είχε μείνει άναυδος και μόλις ετραύλισε:

-Μα …τώρα  κύριε Λοχαγέ …τώρα….

Ο Λοχαγός ο οποίος είχε ευρεθεί και αυτός προ εκπλήξεως ,στραφείς προς τον λοχία   του λέει με αυστηρότητα:

-Σιωπή λοχία.. Έχει δίκιο ο στρατιώτης.

-Σε τιμωρώ με τριήμερο περιορισμό.

-Άντε πήγαινε ..

Ένα ..τώρα υπετονθόρισε ακόμη ο λοχίας και βγήκε από το γραφείο του λοχαγού  του κατησχυμένος.

                     Π,ΓΕΩΡΓΟΠΟΥΛΟΣ (Χωριάτης)

                (Παγκεφαληνιακό ημερολόγιο1937)

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